When my daughters were younger, on occasion, I would read to them at bedtime. I confess this was not as often as I should have. I wanted them to be cultured so I would stick to the classics. My book of choice, Harold and the Purple Crayon, by Crockett Johnson. If you are familiar with this book, please feel free to skip this paragraph; I know that your time is valuable. If not, read on!
“Where are your passions. Quite some time ago, a co-worker asked me this question in response to what appeared to him to be my unflappable demeanor, “What do you get excited about?” Was his follow-up question, Two simple questions, while at first I thought were pretentious, would haunt me. Little did he know that I had just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s.
Every now and then, I will hear a comment and I will immediately internalize it. “Fear can drive the decision making process.” My initial response was “of course it does!” but just by changing one little word in my response from “does” to “can” completely re-frames this statement from an “absolute certainty” to “one option out of many”. If I were to be confronted by someone brandishing a weapon who had the intention of robbing me, fear could be a factor in my decision making process. The same can be said if I were to simply lose my wallet and my phone while traveling, its logical that fear could become a factor in my decision making process. The list of scenarios could go on and on, but I think that you get the point. Fear can drive the decision making process; but does it have to? Is it the only factor that drives the decision making process? Can multiple divergent emotions simultaneous drive the decision making process? Consider the highly trained Special Forces military professional that has been told that he is part of a team whose mission it is to neutralize a well-protected terrorist. Is he fearful to the point that it drives his decision making process? Or what about the firefighter that has to enter a building to rescue a family and their pet cat? Are his actions driven by fear? It would be incomprehensible to believe that either of these people, in these circumstances, have been able to eliminate every inclining of fear. Could it be that all people, not just some, are capable of choosing to let some other emotion or characteristic, like valor, self-sacrifice or duty to others, trump fear? It is possible that everyone has the capability to work through fear by accessing their training, or an innate desire to help someone in need, or something else deep inside themselves? The severity of the challenge doesn’t change, the danger to ourselves is not diminished, yet we find a way to control the only thing that can be controlled; the internal emotional response, fear, to an outward threat.
I barely remember the person that I once was, pre-PD, but I do know all too well the person that I was becoming. The edginess and tenacity with which I faced challenges, no faced life, was becoming a distant memory. In the past, fear was nothing more than another four-letter word. Now, if I allow it to, trepidation permeates my thoughts. “What if I can’t…work anymore… walk anymore…drive anymore…type anymore.” How will my family survive? My thoughts raced to the direst of circumstances and the most devastating outcomes.
Parkinson’s Sucks — it’s a crass statement, I know.
It’s how my wife expresses her feelings about my condition. The medical community describes it as a “chronic” and “progressive” disease, meaning the symptoms continue and get worse over time, meaning it has no upside. No wonder she cried when my doctor first mentioned it as a possible cause of the movement disorders that I was experiencing. (more…)
I couldn’t think of a better way to proclaim my undying love and devotion to you than announcing it somewhere for the entire world to see. Sure, I could have spent $29.99 on a dozen roses and had them sent to you at your office so your co-workers would notice. I could have given you a greeting card with someone else’s thoughts and sentiments that would be placed on the fireplace mantle for the next few weeks until the next time it needed to be dusted. I even considered a box of expensive chocolate that you could keep for yourself. Each of these gestures felt like little more than a token of my affection that was designed to satisfy a need in me to do something for my lovely wife on Valentine’s Day.