I find that early in the morning is the best time of day to wrestle with the big questions. I have drawn a line in the sand; anything before 4:00 am is still nighttime but after 4:00 am is the morning. Regardless of which side of the line I’m on, most every morning I find myself where I prefer not to be; on the couch with my mind racing. Still, in a very strange way, it has become one of my favorite times of the day.
Yesterday morning was a little different, it was the weekend and what kept me from sleeping was a running list of all of the things that I wanted to accomplish. The most daunting on the list was cleaning the garage. Not only do we have to store our summer things away and confront the reality that winter is just around the corner, we have to contend with a lop-eared rabbit that has been largely ignored by it owner. It has been in exile in the garage for the past few years, alongside of our garden tools, bikes and everything else that doesn’t belong in the house.
The rabbit spends its days and nights alone in a small cage in the garage, somewhat protected by the heat of the summer and the cold of winter. Its habitat includes a food bowl, a water bottle, some straw, and its litter box that requires frequent attention. Its owner has determined that its safe, therefore, it must be fine. I contend that its safety came at a price, its own freedom. Occasionally it will escape and wander out into the great beyond, our front yard, to enjoy some of Lisa’s flowers and other delicacies. Unfortunately, it lacks the basic survival instincts to last very long if it were to be left to its own devices.
This morning, Lisa showed me a picture posted by a neighbor of the two bald eagles that live in our neighborhood. Truly majestic birds. An hour later, while I was starting the task of cleaning the garage, the rabbit escaped, meaning it was out in the front yard. This is where my lovely wife’s perspective and mine differ greatly. Her natural instincts were to protect the rabbit and put it back in the cage, knowing full well its living conditions. Mine, let it enjoy its freedom and embrace risks. Sure, it may become part of the Circle of Life, but eagles need to eat, too.
The rabbit has become a metaphor, a living and breathing picture, that forces me to consider these questions. Have I traded freedom for security, and if so, at what price? What am I willing to tolerate for a morsel of food and for shelter? Have I changed how I answer these questions now that I have PD? Big questions so early in the day!
A few careers ago I was a self-employed contractor, and in many respects, security was an abstract concept. The risks were many, the rewards inconsistent, but at the end of the day the trade-offs between freedom and security were in a delicate balance. Maintaining the balance became ingrained into how I used to think and in many respects still do. Too much risk, would contribute to financial and relational instability; too little risk, little or no food. I was comfortable with my own allotment of security.
So why the apprehension and the aversion to risk now that I have Parkinson’s? Risk has the potential to bring out the best in people. It forces us to think creativity, be resourceful and thrive in ambiguity. The disease brings its own uncertainty and risk; no predictable time line, a vast array of symptoms, and the perception that it’s an old-person’s disease. While the tendency can be to look in the rear-view mirror thinking the best days are behind us, that robs us of a sense of self-worth that comes from walking along side of others on their journey. There is a risk to engaging the disease head on; I contend that it is a risk worth taking.
Thank you for taking time out of your busy day read my musings. A sleepless morning is a terrible thing to waste.
Thank you for ready, liking and sharing
Al Van Dyk and his faithful sidekick Ivy the wonder pup.
Update: Subsequent to the date of this post, the owner for the rabbit found a loving home where it can live out its days without fear that I will be part of the food chain. I am sure it will be a excellent pet and hope this family throughly enjoys its company.