Warning: The following list of My Top Ten New Years Resolutions is not for the faint of heart. It contains sarcasm and innuendo that some of you may consider objectionable. I can assure you that any references to duct-tape, NFL quarterbacks, balls of yarn and kittens are hypothetical and references to such should not be conjoined in any way. Please proceed with caution; slippery slope ahead.
As of Sunday, December 31, 2017,
- I hereby resolve to look up the word hereby and use it correctly ten more times before midnight. Furthermore, I hereby resolve to write 500 words per day even if it’s the same word 500-times, or simply write 500 words each day.
- I hereby resolve to start a diet that I can stick with, even if it means that I use duct-tape to attach it to my wrist like an NFL quarterback would wear his playbook.
- I hereby resolve to be more patient and sympathetic to the whining —sorry, grievances — of my sidekick, oops, wingman, err…that would be my wing-dog. I think I’m safe here. I don’t think its possible to be less sympathetic than I was last year.
- I hereby resolve to expand the definition of exercise to include delegated activities that I am far too old to do such as snow blowing the driveway and mowing the lawn. Wait, I’m still doing those things.
- I hereby resolve to watch only reality TV. I will resist watching any television or visit any websites that invite independent thought and that foster critical thinking. I am waiting for my talking points from that secret society whose members make that triangle shape with their hands as to whether Fox News is considered propaganda or fantasy.
- I hereby resolve to get more Facebook friends, even if I have to pay for them with bit-coins or post nothing but images of kittens playing innocently with a ball of yarn.
- I hereby resolve to only aim for achievements that I can accomplish while wearing flannel loungewear in public. Expectations that I wear business casual every day are nothing more than another divisive tactic to drive a wedge between the working class and the creatives.
- I hereby resolve to be a better husband and father using definitions described as ambiguous and self-serving. I will encourage my wife and children to submit their definitions of better for consideration.
- I will forego watching any professional sports where the players, coaches, front office staff or parking lot attendants attempt to make a political statement. Your product is for entertainment purposes only, not all that different from the Simpsons or Tim Allen’s Last Man Standing.
- I hereby resolve to fight and encourage my comrades to join me in battle, against the perception that those of us with Parkinson’s Disease have their best days in their rearview mirror. We will be relentless, advancing this message every day, all day, as if we can make a difference. Why, because we can make a difference!^^
^^Disclaimers: All terminology contained in these resolutions is pending and subject to review by legal counsel. Any tone, language, demeanor that is deemed to be aggressive, inflammatory or invoke images of military conquests may be recanted if needed so not to offend any baby-boomers, Gen-Xer’s and Snowflakes. (May be, but I wouldn’t bank on it!)
Happy New Year,
Your right Ivy, that bottle of wine did loosen you up a bit. Writing this was much more fun than the world domination piece we did last year. I agree we could never have pulled this off if Lisa were home. You realize, as acting editor, your career will take the hit if this goes south?
Al and his faithful, now demoted sidekick, Ivy the wonder pup.